Grief
by kate-dammit-run
Summary: A little ficlet to celebrate that they've started filming season 3. Set post s2 finale. Jarbie, of course.
1. Denial

**_1\. Denial_**

He tries to go back. _There is no back_. The _path_ they took doesn't belong to this realm of reality, suspended somewhere between the here and _there_. He knows, they all know, there is _nothing_ to go back to. But he refuses to believe it. Of course he does. She is there. _She _is there. He is here and she is there and _there_ has to still exist. _She _has to still exist. He knows it. He _knows _it.

_Why?_

He is not sure who asks the question. He doesn't see their faces. Only hers. He can only see _her_ face.

_Why?_

He closes his eyes. He only sees her face_._

_Why?_

They will not leave him alone. He only hears her voice.

_Barbie._

His name never sounded as precious as when it danced off her lips. It wasn't _his _anymore. It was _hers. _He was _hers._

_Why?_

Red. She is still there. He knows it.

_Why?_

_Because he can still breathe._


	2. Anger

Hey everyone! Thanks for the reviews for the first chapter. Just to be clear, this is a 5 part filet dealing with the stages of grief as experienced by Barbie. So yeah, not a one shot. Here's part 2.

* * *

_**2\. Anger**_

_Red._

He only sees red. Her hair. Her lips. Her cheeks.

Blood. _Her_ blood.

He only sees _red._

_Calm down, sir._

It's a young soldier, dressed in black. That's all he knows about the man whose face his punching. Repeatedly.

_Red. _He only sees red.

He slams him against a wall, his arm pressing against his throat. The soldier is choking. His face turns red.

_Red._ Her hair. Her lips. Her cheeks.

_Barbie! Stop!_

They pull him back from the poor soldier. Sam, or Joe, or Hunter. He doesn't know anymore.

_Barbie! Stop!_

He only sees _red._

_What are you doing?_

He blinks. Once. Twice. He can still only see red.

_They have to pay for what they've done._

It's their fault. It's their fault she isn't here. It's their fault he can't go back to her.

It's their fault. He can't save her.

She's gone. It's their fault.

_It's his fault._

* * *

And also, I have not forgotten about the prompts I had promised everyone. They are coming, I promise.


	3. Bargaining

**_3\. Bargaining_**

He thinks he has found way to make it all right. At least, he _hopes _he has found one. He needs to have found a way.

_Let me go back._

He draws up a plan, bargains to cut a deal with them.

_Only me, no one else has to come with me._

He doesn't want anyone else with him. It has to be only him. It has to.

He _promised _her.

_I know the risks, I swear to you, I know._

He does know the risks of going back to Chester's Mill.

He also knows the price of _not _going back. He _has _to get her back.

_I am not asking for anything, just let me go back. No one else needs to be put in danger._

_No one else has to come along._

He doesn't need their help. He doesn't need their _permission._

He has found his way back to her before.

He will find his way back to her again. He _has _to.

His only place is next to her. His only reason to _be _is her.


	4. Depression

_**4\. Depression**_

_Barbie, you can't do this to yourself._

They take turns _checking up_ on him, but the result is always the same. Nothing.

He remains holed up, in a corner of a room upstairs.

He doesn't leave. He doesn't eat. He doesn't drink. He doesn't speak to anyone.

He doesn't _exist._

_Barbie, please, you need to -_

They have everything now. Everything they've strived for for months.

Freedom. Safety. Their lives back.

_Barbie, please, don't do this -_

He drops his head against his chest, ignoring them, ignoring the world. Praying he could just disappear.

The room is dark except for a lone streak of moonlight that sneaks into the room.

The same moonlight that traced her every curve, danced off her skin, and made him fall madly in love with her that first night.

Tonight, he curses the moonlight.

_Barbie -_

They have everything now. Everything they've strived for for months.

They have everything now.

But _now,_

_Now, _he has lost everything.

_Now, _he has lost her.

_Now, _he has _nothing. _He _is _nothing.

* * *

I'm glad you guys are enjoying this!


	5. Acceptance

_**5\. Acceptance**_

It takes him some time - _a lot of time - _but he eventually gets up and rejoins the world of the living.

It is a slow process, as everyone expected, but with time he learns how to accept what has happened.

He learns to accept what has happened but _on his own terms._

Eventually he starts working again, going out, being a friend to those who care about him.

Eventually he learns how to smile again. It is rare to happen, but he has been caught smiling once or twice.

A lot of things go back to normal, or at least, as normal as can be.

Eventually, he learns to accept what has happened but _on his own terms. _

His terms are very simple, there is one rule, actually.

He never says _her _name.

And soon, no one around him says her name either.

Her name is his. It's his secret, his private treasure, his prayer.

Her name is _his._ It's sacred, hidden, buried somewhere only he knows.

Her name is _his. _A forbidden song, a holy scripture, an anthem, a pledge only he holds.

_Julia._

He whispers it when he's alone - though he's never alone. His guilt, his sorrow, his _grief, _are constant companions that never leave his side.

_Julia._

He whispers when he's alone, with his guilt, his sorrow, his grief - though they're never alone. Her memory, her smile, her strength, are constant companions that never leave his side.

_Julia._

He is still here because she made him this man who can _still_ be here.

* * *

Ok, hold on. Before you kill me. I know this is insanely depressing. This fic was supposed to end here, but y'all have been amazing, that I'm thinking of adding an epilogue because the angst here is too much.


	6. Grief

**_6._****_Grief_**

He doesn't want to be the man he was before he met her.

He may not have her in his life anymore but he knows that the only way he can honor her is by being the man she knew he could become.

So he becomes him. The man _she_ help him uncover. Then she _deserves_.

Even though _she_ is not there anymore.

He leaves his bachelor pad apartment. He doesn't move into his parent's home, even though it his technically his now, on paper. He moves into another apartment, one just outside downtown. He stays clear of his old hangout spots, places where he met Maxine and those _friends_ that he owed favors to, who recruited him for _jobs_.

Speaking of jobs, he has a steady, _legal_ one now. Aktaion Energy has become his, and this one he gladly took. Under his terms of course. Aktaion Energy is no longer a government contractor. Instead, Aktaion Energy now focuses on small communities, helping build sustainable resources and build self sustaining industries.

He learned a lot in Chesters Mill.

He learned a lot from _her_.

Most importantly, he learned the value of friends and family, of caring about people and being cared for. He learned the importance of protecting those you care about.

Carolyn moved back to Los Angeles but this still talk at least once a week.

Sam stayed in Zenith and shockingly turned out to be not that bad after all. He heads a small charity that helps traumatized teenagers. They use art as a tool for therapy.

Barbie and Sam have drinks at least twice a week and catch a game every Sunday.

Hunter is still in Zenith as well. In fact, he heads up IT at Aktaion, of course. Barbie and Sam are each other every day. And even though it hasn't happened in along time, Hunter still flinches when Barbie is angry, memories of being slammed against a wall still vivid in the young man's mind.

Joe and Norrie have both left for college. He talks to both of them. Every single day.

He _isn't_ the same man he was before he met her. He's wiser, stronger, calmer, smarter.

He _isn't _the same man he was before he met her. He was broken in so many ways and she fixed him.

He is now broken is so many _different_ ways.

He may smile more now, but he _is _broken.

Grief is an odd thing. Science may have rules for it, for what one should expect as they go through it. But it's never the same. Never tangible in ways for science to study and catalogue and theorise. It's personal, it's private.

It's an _odd _thing.

Some days are perfectly normal. They pass by without any incident. Sometimes even, a whole day can pass and he doesn't even feel the pain in his chest.

But some days are different. Some days, he might pass by her favourite brand of coffee in the supermarket and he would just break down. Right there, in the middle of the aisle, a grown man, weeping uncontrollably.

Some days, he might hear a voice that sounds like hers, or a random stranger with her name, or just a red head crossing the street, and it breaks him. Some times he cries, sometimes he gets furious, sometimes he just shuts down, buries it deep inside, lock it with every memory of her.

Some days, on this day actually, a warm spring Sunday, perfect for an early morning jog, it becomes a little too much.

First he glances a tall red head, with wild unruly curls, across the street. Then, he hears a voice that can only be hers.

And that is when he loses it.

"Barbie!"

That's _his _name.

"Barbie!"

That's _her _voice.

"Barbie!"

He turns around and he cannot breathe anymore.

He feels an ache in his chest.

He cannot breathe anymore.

Grief is an _odd _thing because just when you think it has taken over your soul, taken refuge in your heart, forever, something happens, one thing happens and it's... _gone._

"Julia?"

She nods and he can breathe again.

For the first time in over a year, he can _breathe_ again.

He can _live_ again.

* * *

Well, here it is, my lovely people! Hope you've enjoyed it. I *always* knew it would end on a happy-ish note, but I just wanted Barbie to go through all this to really grow and become this man who Julia always knew he could become even when he didn't believe in himself.

Now, off to finishing A World on Fire and getting to your prompts!


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